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A Lesson on Social Media Friending from a College Buddy

During college I had a guy on our hall who used to come visit me and my roommate on a semi regular basis in the evenings when we working on our papers. At first I welcomed his visits as he seemed like a great guy who was wanting to get to know us better, but I soon realized that his intentions actually weren’t so noble. Each time he came in he’d flop down on the chair and start chatting it up with us which was great, but without fail, within four to five minutes he’d pop out the question… “So do you guys happen to have any food?”. Funny he should ask this, because his visits always seem to come just after one of us had stocked up on some fresh baking or goodies that had been sent from home (and word would get around quite quickly whenever good food arrived). Being that we were nice guys we’d always share, and sure enough, once he’d finished off the home baked brownie or chocolate chip cookie he’d chat for another minute or two and then off he’d go. One day we decided we’d had enough, so the next time he came by, we both jumped out our seats to welcome him and before he could sit down, we whipped open the cupboard to grab a care package of goodies we’d prepared. We told him that we didn’t want him to waste his time with unnecessary chatter with us as we knew he was a busy guy who was just a bit malnourished. I’ll never forget the look on his face. He was stung to the core and slowly backed out of the room with his hands full of our food, while we continually reassured him that it was ok to skip the chitchat in the future and just come and pillage whenever he had the slightest pang of hunger. Well he never did, and actually never came back to visit either.

Unfortunately the more I get involved in social media the more I encounter that same feeling that I’d get back in college. This person wants something and though they may not be as obvious as my hungry buddy, once they get what they want, they move on. Whether it’s getting a mention from you on a #FollowFriday, having you retweet their blog post, getting you to add them to one of your Twitter lists, using you to get in with someone you’re in conversation with, or many other similar things. In most cases you want to err on the side that people have good intentions and that their attempts to get to know you are genuine, but reality is that there are some that will use you. The key thing to remember is you can’t really change how people deal with you, but you can change how you deal with others. You can take the higher road. If you reach out to someone, be genuine and follow through, don’t just take what you can get and then drop them. It will leave a bad taste in their mouth about you and will eventually catch up with you.

That being said, we all realize that we can’t personally get to know thousands of people. So how have you been able to balance authentically getting to know others, fulfilling you’re needs and still having a life?

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  • http://commonplaces.com/ Harry

    Great comparison! Definitely some needed perspective as well.

  • http://glennhilton.com Glenn Hilton

    Hi Harry, thanks for dropping by and adding your comment. I didn't get a chance to meet anyone from Commonplaces at the last Drupalcon in DC but hopefully we'll get to connect if you're at San Francisco this Spring. :)

  • bstephenbrunner

    Nice article. Nice comparison.

  • http://twitter.com/bitfield Bitfield Consulting

    Amen, brother! Most people aren't stupid and if you don't post great original content and engage in genuine conversation, they won't follow you. If you're going to do social media, do it properly, and not as a “quick fix” marketing gimmick.

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  • http://glennhilton.com Glenn Hilton

    Great to hear from you Stephen. You've never asked for food when you've dropped by my Posterous, or visited my Twitter stream, so I only have good thoughts of you ;)

  • http://glennhilton.com Glenn Hilton

    Blessing upon you Sir Keith. I'm with you. It seems like some feel you can approach social media similar to how a shoe salesman flashes you a big friendly smile when you walk into his store. Being friendly is great, but people can see thru it if you're only being that way to “close the deal”. It's about the long haul, helping others and interacting with people even if you never see any immediate benefit from them (you might not see it, but it likely will come in some form or another).

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  • http://twitter.com/monicahamburg monicahamburg

    I love this post, Glenn. And relate.

    P.S. Do you have any food? I'm hungry.

  • http://glennhilton.com Glenn Hilton

    I've got some extra Halloween treats that the neighbor's kids rejected Monica. If I can make it to the next Third Tuesday, I'll bring you some then.

  • janice5minutesformom

    Fantastic analogy Glenn!

    This is such a challenge in social media. Because even if your heart is in the right place, time is so limited! There is just so much going on ALL THE TIME!

    I try to do my best to be authentic and generous. I RT and link all the time. I try to comment – but I often read on my iPhone.

    I try to give more than I get. BUT when I fail, I just hope people offer me grace. And I try to do the same. Tons of grace. Cause we are ALL just way too overloaded!

  • http://glennhilton.com Glenn Hilton

    Very true Janice. When we get overloaded we tend to have a little less patience. The growing social media noise can grate on us at times but you're right, we all need to give people a break and show a bit more grace. Maybe even to guys that just want to take your food. ;)

  • http://twitter.com/5minutesformom 5minutesformom

    Hey Glen,

    Susan here… That is so funny that you guys actually DID that! Oh my gosh, I'd never be able to do that… I'm way to much of a people pleaser.

    But such a great reminder. As Janice said, we try so hard to constantly help others and try to give more than we get, but social media life is crazy busy and it can be hard to keep in touch with everyone to the extent that we want.

    I find it hard to make enough time for commenting on other blogs, and it is something I'm always trying to improve. I do use Facebook and Twitter regularly and I try to leave lots of “Likes” and Comments and RT. Basically, I try to “listen” to the stream as much as possible.

    ~ Susan

  • http://glennhilton.com Glenn Hilton

    There's a lot of glamour around social media but once you've been doing it for a while you realize it's not an easy task keeping up with literally hundreds of people who are interacting with you on multiple networks. So you're right it's a challenge to give everyone as much time as you'd like. I appreciate you popping by to give your input Susan. Looking forward to catching up more at the next Tweetup ;)

  • KRCraft

    Great story, Glenn.

    The reason I like it so much is because it reminds me of how I made a genuine online connection with you, via Twitter > we recently shared a short burst of laughter about tweeting thanks (or not, ) for RT's. It made me laugh on a subject near & dear to me which developed a connection; you're unique and real to me.

    I'm like your college Buddy, only without the bruised ego. I appreciate efficiency… and humour. Just give me the good morsels to chew on and don't thank me for the RT's (send me out the door happy – I got the goodies, didn't I?)

    ;-)

  • http://glennhilton.com Glenn Hilton

    Hey Kelly, thanks for popping by it's been great meeting you too. Don't worry I promise not to send any more mocking “Retweet thanks” tweets anymore. ;)

  • TomHartPhotography

    “In most cases you want to err on the side that people have good intentions and that their attempts to get to know you are genuine, but reality is that there are some that will use you.”

    But isn't that what everyone does, isn't that what *networking* is all about (whether online or in the real-world)… ***using*** people?!

    I was under no illusions when you followed my twitter feed (@TomHartPhoto) that you wanted to be my 'buddy' – hey, I'd love to buy you a beer sometime, but since you're in Canada and I'm in England, that might not happen for a while!

    But at the same time, I recognised that your intentions were genuine – you're not 'F***ed Britney' or any of the other clowns on twitter, you actually have good quality content and something interesting to read.

    I've RT'd some of your posts as well as connecting you with some people I was following on twitter after a request posted regarding social media analytics (whether they have since followed you, I do not know, but chances are quite high I think, as they are very interested in all things social media, and you have great information that is useful and relevent to them), so hopefully I've broadend your audience, and hopefully the connections through me will lead to more connections for you, and hopefully ultimately somewhere down the line be useful for your business and generate income for you (you're not just doing this because you're a nice guy, right?!)

    So for me, it's not a case of if someone is 'using' someone else through social media, it's more of a case of if the 'use', if the relationship is parasitic or symbiotic in nature.

    Perhaps I'm just debating semantics and being pedantic, but I think it's an important distinction to draw. To say the 'bad' people 'use' others while the 'good' people don't is misleading, I feel.

    You've given me interesting information and hopefully I've receiprocated by connecting you with other (who hopefully will in turn connect you with more people) that will lead to a business benefit for yourself, so I'd like to think we have a nice symbiotic relationship cultivated through twitter!

  • http://glennhilton.com Glenn Hilton

    Thanks for contributing to the conversation Tom! I really enjoyed your comment as it's always good to hear someone's perspective who may look at things differently than you do. However in this case I'd have to say I agree with your distinction… “it's not a case of if someone is 'using' someone else through social media, it's more of a case of if the 'use', if the relationship is parasitic or symbiotic in nature.” I too believe that we can't draw a hard line in the sand and “say the 'bad' people 'use' others while the 'good' people don't”. We all use one another to advance our own purposes as you so eloquently articulated. But if we become 'users' then we will quickly wear out our welcome. Life is all about give and take. And if we're all take, no give, we become draining on others and eventually hurt ourselves too.
    Anyways, thanks again for reaching out. I did get one connection through our last communications on Twitter. I got the opportunity to meet @MissEdw and it's been cool to see her passion for tech and we've exchanged a few tweets.
    BTW: My wife read your comment this morning and she thinks we should come on over there to England to buy you a beer. :)

  • TomHartPhotography

    I see you've married a very wise woman indeed. I'll have a Cold Guinness please! :-)

  • http://refresh-events.ca/blog/ Justin Kozuch

    Great post, Glenn. You're asking a very important question. Here's my take from a first time reader.

    I've struggled with this in the past, but came with a solution recently that seems to have solved my problem. Previously, I would say yes to any meeting. Which was fine, but it started to wear me out and I wasn't getting done the things I needed to get done. I knew that I had to change something because it was starting to affect my productivity.

    I began to tell people that I would be happy to meet with them, but it could only be on a Friday between 12 and 5. Why on a Friday? Well, I'm a relatively busy person, so taking meetings all week would ensure the death of my productivity and I wouldn't be able to ensure I could be helpful if all I could think about was when I could get back to work.

    I found that 99% of people were very accepting of this. It's a system that works because everybody wins; you win because you can dictate the terms (and get your work done) and they win because now they've got your undivided attention.

    I'm also became very selective of the meetings I agreed to; I find that most of the time, a simple phone call or an email will suffice. This further helps to free up time for other work or more urgent matters, like a face to face if it's necessary.

    The trick is to learn how to say no. Or just not have brownies in your cupboard. ;)

  • http://glennhilton.com Glenn Hilton

    Hey Justin, thanks for taking the time to drop by and leave a comment. I have to say that I really like your approach on this. I'm going to see if I can implement it into my week some more too. As some days it can be so busy responding and meeting that you don't feel like you get a lot done. Probably not a bad plan for handling most social media inquiries too. Lately I've been setting up my notifications to not warn me so often on people who've added me, or followed or unfollowed, etc, as all of those can be distracting and effect your productivity too. :)

  • http://refresh-events.ca/blog/ Justin Kozuch

    Thanks for the welcome and the feedback on my approach, Glenn. It's taken time to figure it out, but so far it seems to be working really well.

    I can definitely relate on the responding and meeting aspect. I learned something very interesting in that department. I've been experimenting with “email blackout” times. For instance, I don't check email first thing in the morning because studies show that the first 60 minutes of our day is when our brains are the most efficient. Why waste all that efficiency hitting the reply button? Instead, I use my grey matter's horsepower to read blogs, come up with solutions to business problems; things that matter to me.

    Secondly, to prevent distractions, I take out all unnecessary icons from my OSX dock. All I have in my dock is Finder, Safari, Mail, Address Book and Calendar. Those are really all the tools I use anyways, so why have extra ones in there. Besides, I can launch any app or open any docs from Spotlight (command + space).

    Anyways, I could go on, but I don't want to bore anyone. I've got a bunch of ideas on how to meet people and keep your wits about you at the same time. I'd be happy to share them with anyone who is interested. :)

  • http://glennhilton.com Glenn Hilton

    Great ideas Justin. I fully agree with the early morning thing. I like to spend my first hour or two up to do some reading and the shower is my favourite spot for creative thinking or solving the problems of the previous day. Something about the warm water on your brain combined with the early hour makes the mind extra sharp. Anyways, thanks for returning and sharing the good insights. If anyone's interested, you can look up Justin on Twitter here. Or visit him on his website at Refresh Events. Now I'm off to drop some icons from my dock ;)